Deep Waters Blog

Musings from the many integrated parts of a healing divine feminine.

  • Death and Rebirth

    Settle in because this is going to be a long one.

    From May 2024 through October 2024, I signed myself up for a mentorship with someone I look at as a Master Teacher. To be honest, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. That six months felt like a long time when I signed up, yet I’m surprised that it’s already over. How has that time passed already? How was there a Spain retreat mixed into that as well? It almost feels like I dreamt of being in Barcelona.

    Originally, when I thought of the mentorship, I had this vision of learning everything Lola knew. I would be sitting with a notebook taking notes for step-by-step instructions on different treatments and then practicing with her overseeing me. She’d give her feedback, and I would walk away with certification as “Medicine Woman”. Boy, was it so much deeper than that. How we worked together made me realize there is no certificate that makes one qualified as a healer per se. Sure you can do courses in different modalities, but a true healer gains wisdom through their own experience. Think of it this way: when you’re going for an operation, do you want the doctor that has a degree fresh from school with the piece of paper that says they passed, or do you want the doctor who has been in the OR day after day performing the actual tasks? Experience IS the certificate. It’s where the true wisdom lies. I’m finding that was the big part of the medicine for me: I’m always looking for more or the next step. How can I expect to absorb the present moment if I’m already looking into the future? I realized I had been treating my healing journey like a checklist. The more boxes I check off, the more qualified I would appear. This container forced me to be present in the now, in my body, and demanded my absolute attention. There was no space to take anything else on, and when I was with Lola for a weekend, I was IN IT.

    For six months it’s been one experience after another; layer after layer being peeled back and worked on. From that first day I arrived at The Sacred Owl, we had dived right in. There was no dipping into the pond toe first… in true Lola fashion, we cold plunged right into it (literally) Because I had nowhere else to go, it made anxiety so incredibly loud for me. With no distractions, I had no choice but to face that monster dead on. Sit with it. Hold it. Love it. Looking back, I can see how much shame I had in acknowledging those feelings. It’s why I had always been looking for an instant fix: make it go away, right now! My inner voice would whisper “what do you have to be anxious about? How can you let other people see you this way? You’re weak.” I spent most of my life disassociated from my body. There were always things to distract or numb me. When given this space to really drop in, to feel it all, it scared the shit out of me. As I sat there and started to face these shadow attributes: Shame, guilt, grief, despair, self-loathing, with nowhere to go and I wanted to run away from it all. I was thinking what did I get myself into? Was I really ready for something like this?

    In 2023 I had a nervous breakdown and was put on antidepressants to come out of it. I’m proud to say that within that safe container with Lola I was able to come off the medication, feel deeply and fall apart in front of her with implicit trust. Screw the certificates, that is what my goal is. To create and hold safe space just like that for others. That woman showed me so much grace, compassion and love when I felt my lowest and unworthy. She showed me no judgement, only truths; contemplations that I would then sit with to come to my own realizations. It was at that moment I realized what type of ride I was in for. While I did get the opportunity to witness her lead classes and breathwork, and there were some notes, it wasn’t step by steps. It was observing how she held the space; feeling her become this mountain, sitting so grounded and calm, yet demanding all or nothing. There would be no halfway. The capacity she has to hold someone in their vulnerability, that’s what I needed to see, feel and experience.

    In my 2nd month, I sat with Kambo. It’s medicine from the Phyllomedusa Frog in the Amazon with the purpose of purging from deep within. Now, I could do a whole separate blog on that experience, and maybe will at a later date. For now, here are the cliff notes. I did a series of 3 over the course of Friday, Saturday and Sunday that weekend and I almost quit after the first round. The medicine reached a level I didn’t even know existed in me. That first night, I sat scared, my ego playing all of these moments in front of me like a movie: where I went wrong, where I judged others, acted selfish with those I love… it was unbearable. I reached out to Lola and told her I wasn’t going to do the rest worried I would disappoint her. She held space for me with so much grace. With gentle pushing and words to contemplate, she gave me the space to come to my own decision and choose my own medicine. That second day felt powerful – I saw myself walking through flames and becoming the Phoenix. In that moment I started to believe I could face the really hard things. Don’t get me wrong I’ve done many hard things in my life, but it always came from a space of having no choice. Making my own decision to continue to sit with medicine allowed me to take my power back. Looking back, that’s the day I decided I was going to stop running. So on that 3rd day, I swore it was going to be easy. I faced hell the day before, so this should be a walk in the park, right? Ha! While I felt the purge that final day, there was a voice inside of me whispering that I didn’t get everything. I had held something back that I wasn’t ready to let go of yet.

    Because of that, I started to retreat back into myself again. July didn’t even happen in person. It would be over a month before I saw Lola again back at Sacred Owl. Because I’m able to look at this from the outside now, I can see how I shut myself down and almost gave up again. Sure, we still spoke on the phone and Lola was still there in it with me, but I was sitting on a cliff of my own, terrified of really surrendering it all. A death and rebirth on such a big scale would change me too much. I felt I was giving up too much of who I had become as if I would lose her. I didn’t want to lose that version of Taryn who worked so hard to get where she was. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. I still had this mentality that when one version of ourselves dies, we lose them forever. That if I changed too much, I would lose more of what I hold dear to me and after already losing so much, how could I let go even more?

    Summer was tough for me. There were many battles fought internally where I felt like a failure and fraud. Here I was in this container where I signed up to go deep but when it came time to really do the work, I ran away from it. I fought against my vulnerability and anxiety was probably at its worst. I took for granted how powerful Kambo is. How strong the antidepressants were and the detox that would occur from coming off them. It was like a tornado inside of me that I couldn’t contain. I was convinced Lola was going to give up on me. She would tell me she was going to end the container early because I was wasting her time and taking up space someone else could fill. I couldn’t be more wrong. That next month, there she was. Arms wide open, accepting, and ready to keep going. As she embraced me as she always does when we meet, it was a reminder: The only way out is through. That’s when the shift took root. We sat with grandmother cacao this time and I felt my capacity get larger, expanding my heart further than I thought possible. It was now the end of August, the summer was waning, and this voice was whispering inside of me “It’s time”. As the the dance between her and I started up again, I could feel a difference.

    When I saw her a few weeks later for our next session, proof of that shift would show up in the 3D. We were visited by a Great Horned Owl. They are known to be the medicine man/woman’s guardian spirit. They also symbolize transformation, change and transition from one stage to another. Could there be a greater sign from spirit and the ancestors? It was screaming: YOU ARE READY. As proof, here was this incredible woman who I admire so much holding my hand through it; also saying “You are worthy, but you need to believe in yourself.” I was so humbled to be there, to sit with the Owl who has not left my shoulder since. While it felt amazing, in the background, there was still this small nagging piece left in me that didn’t yet believe. It felt like a mold in my body I couldn’t get rid of.

    Enter Spain. Retreats are something I always go all in with. Because I had already been working solo with Lola for those last few months, there was this chip on my shoulder like I had something to prove. It was as if I convinced myself I needed to show up a specific way, although I couldn’t even tell you what that way looked like. 2 days into Barcelona, I had a massive panic attack at night. I even tried to change my flight to come back home and skip out on the retreat. I couldn’t allow myself to fail in front of these other badass woman, so I would leave instead. When I couldn’t get through to the airline, I reached out to Lola instead. At 5AM, she showed up at my hotel room in her pj’s and held me. She reminded me that if I was going to be broken up, what better space to do that than around these other women who could hold and witness me in that moment? That last bit of me shattered in that room that morning. I felt so raw and vulnerable when I woke up and was shown such compassion and grace again – this time from my dear friend Jen. It gave me the courage to fall apart in front of everyone else later that week. Each time I felt that old fear creeping back in, one of the women in our group would beautifully reflect back to me what an illusion that fear was. On our last night, as we showed up dressed and embodied as our future selves, I was surprised by how easy it was for me. There she was all along right under the surface waiting to be set free. It felt incredible to be witnessed, loved and celebrated in this version of myself making it the last piece of the puzzle to fall into place.

    I had about 2 weeks of integration before I went back to Lola for my last weekend in our container. I didn’t know what to expect and was having mixed emotions. The Sacred Owl and that land will forever be a home to me now. I was sad it was over, worried I didn’t get the time I needed because of all of the shadow work, afraid I may have let her down. What I got was a weekend of embodiment in this new version of me allowing all those old limiting beliefs to finally melt away. I found myself saying thank you every chance I got – to others, to her, myself and spirit. That final Saturday, that last bit of mold was ripped out. Breathwork is extremely powerful; I found myself in the middle of my own tornado realizing, Taryn, it’s only as real as you make it. THERE IS NO SPOON. As that tornado continued to rage around me, I began to laugh. I laughed at the absurdity of it all, how I continuously put myself in a box and then complain I’m trapped. I fully surrendered and with the new space I made, the future version of myself dropped in and really grounded herself into the now. I saw Kambo appear in front of me. For 4 months it had stayed with me, continuing to bring more to the surface asking “Are you done yet? Are you ready to let go? I’m going nowhere until this journey is complete.” I saw the frog nod its head as its job was finally complete. With a sigh, it faded away, purging complete.

    As I sat with Lola that last day, I felt truly complete. This is exactly what our time together was supposed to be: an insane roller coaster ride where I may have thrown up a couple of times yet was so exhilarating and freeing that I would never regret the ride. If you asked me if I would do this again, my answer would be an immediate yes. I’ll continue to do this work again, and again and again to rebuild myself and my line. Because I AM. I am the new Matriarch; the medicine woman who can hold space for those in their time of need; the traveling gypsy who wants to bring her medicine to places she’s never been before; the oracle who will read your tarot cards and see straight into your soul.

    If I’ve learned anything from this mentorship, it’s that you will die a million times in this lifetime. It’s nothing to fear because each time you will bring with you that old version you burned to ash; for she is the one who made it possible to get where you are right now in this moment. She is the foundation that you continue to build upon. That’s real healing. It’s not by pushing away or getting rid of something that feels dark, no, it’s by expanding your heart’s capacity for what you’re able to hold. If you’re willing, you’ll find your heart has no limit on its capacity, and that is the definition of unconditional love.

    Thank you, Lola, for holding the space. For walking your talk, for embodying the medicine woman archetype and for being you. I SEE YOU. This experience was life changing and it only could have happened with you guiding me through it. I’m so thankful to have you as a part of my soul family.

    Always love,

    T

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  • Medicine Woman

    Being human is messy. We sign up to come to this planet knowing we’re going in to learn lessons and feel big feelings but I don’t think we truly get the density of this plane until we’re on it. It’s not surprising that some people decide to exit rather than continue; sometimes the feelings can be so overwhelming and in rapid succession that it’s hard to remember it’s just a moment in time and it will pass.

    Where I have been since May? I started a 6-month container of embodiment, mentorship and growth to continue my path as a medicine woman. I’ve been on a healing journey for several years now, but this? I don’t think anything could have really prepared me for what I have been experiencing.

    I think most people in the world are taught that emotions are uncomfortable. There are very few containers in actual 3D life where big feelings are not only accepted but held. How many times have you seen someone exhibiting what we call “gentle parenting” and judged them for letting their child be out of control? How many times as a child were you sent to your room without being able to express your emotions? Been told you’ll be given something to cry about? How about that silent cry where it’s just tears and you’re almost numb as they fall down your face? Even with most forms of therapy, the solution is usually to prescribe a medication that dulls your feelings instead of dealing with them. **Disclaimer: I have done therapy several times as well as been on medication. While I DO think there are times where medication is essential, I also believe the approach is often less about space to deal with things and more about medication to dull whatever you’re going through.

    If you’re someone who watches TV, do a count of how many medicine commercials there are in a single 30 min show. There’s a medication for just about anything now; and they rattle off the side effects like it’s no big deal.  My personal journey was with antidepressant Effexor. It would help take the edge off my panic attacks, but I gained over 20 lbs, started having heart palpitations (and was actually on a heart monitor) and had facial twitching. So that’s the trade off for some help with my mental health? Now it’s physical symptoms instead? Another pill on top of a pill to help with side effects?

    We need more spaces where we can go to just be. Spaces where there are people who have walked through the fire so they can help those who are just entering their own flames. Places where you aren’t brushed off, aren’t judged and are encouraged to let it all out. We need more tools available, mentors to lean on and spaces for integration after a big release. Most of us don’t realize that the release is just the beginning of it. Once you let it all out, there are many feelings to navigate in the aftermath that could easily keep you at rock bottom.  

    I know you have a job and can’t afford to fall apart.

    I know you have a family and responsibilities, so you just have to keep going. You don’t have “time” to deal with this shit.

    I know there are other people out there with bigger problems, so you should just be thankful for what you got.

    But I’m calling bullshit on that narrative. That mind frame forced me to be so strong that I used to pride myself on being able to take it all on… not only for myself, but for others too. Now it’s time for me to be soft, vulnerable, and tender with myself.

    SURRENDER.

    I have fought that word for several months now. I’m done fighting. There is nothing left to fight. Instead, I’m going to accept, surrender and embrace. At 40 years old, I’m learning how to feel and deal with my emotions. I’m learning those emotions are valid regardless of what someone else may think. This is the most raw and vulnerable I have ever been in my life. That scares the shit out of me. I’m right on time for where I’m supposed to be, as uncomfortable as that is.

    I’m incredibly thankful for the container I’m in because without it, I would have quit several times by now (I almost did too, but that’s a story for another time). I originally thought I was going to write a piece here about my experience with Kambo. I suppose I did, just in a different way. The medicine ran so deep through me and brought old moldy feelings up to the surface and then asked me: Hang on or Release?  

    It’s scary to let go… but as Lola would say, the only way out is through.

    That is the journey of the medicine woman:

    She stands strong not because she is the chosen one, but because she walks through the flames herself as many times as needed.  

    She is wise not only because she reads books or takes classes, but because she has experience holding space for herself in some of her darkest hours.

    She is vulnerable not because she’s weak, but because she understands sometimes you will fall apart to come together again.

     There is no certification. No graduation. No diploma.

    She becomes by walking the path.

    Always love,

    T

  • Gut Feelings

    When we are told to go with our gut, how do we know when it’s our gut talking? How are you able to cut through the noise and sit with your intuition? There are many times where I feel like I got it first time around, and then there are other times where I know I get buried inside my brain like a lost treasure. Before I know it, I’ve talked myself into circles and thoroughly confused myself into a beautiful oblivion.

    Here’s what I know: your first thought is generally where you find your answer. When you ask yourself something, take away the inner debate and just go with the first thought that comes to you. That’s the answer you’re looking for. The kicker is not letting your ego get involved and convince you of all the other possibilities there are. Based on experience, I’ve found the more complex the situation, the more chatter you’re going to get from your ego. When I was starting my business, my initial gut reaction was: “Hell yes, this is going to be AMAZING. I can’t wait to start working with so many different people!” Once the initial excitement wore off, ego crept in and started with its BS: “What if no one reaches out? What makes you think you have enough experience to help someone? It’s a business, isn’t it supposed to make money?” Before you know it, that train has left the station. Now instead of building on the excitement, you’re chasing the Comfort Zone Express and hoping it doesn’t derail somewhere along the way.   

    The real mindfuck to me is incorporating the gut trusting into cycle breaking.

    We recognize a pattern, we break it. Cool. While that sounds easy, most times, it’s far from. You’ll spend time dealing with the aftermath and integration. Then, usually, new people show up in our lives that are a direct reflection of this newer version of ourselves. What my own journey has taught me that there is always a transition period…. It’s normally during this time that the Universe will test you. You will get a replica of the cycle you just got out of to see if you’re going to repair the wheel and jump back on or put it in the junkyard for good.

    Except there are times when it’s not meant to be repaired nor put in the dumpster. Sometimes, it’s meant to be honored for what was and planted in the earth to grow something new. I always say we’re meant to live in a shade of gray, and yet, I’ve uncovered this other layer of myself that wants to continue to put things neatly in their box of black or white. If things are put away where they “belong” then I can quiet the chatter that causes me to doubt myself. If I could label those boxes, they would be COMFORT & FEAR: the graveyard where possibilities go to die.

    Now, let me bring this full circle… If there is this gray area that’s shaded in so many different versions of the color, how do you know if you’re fooling yourself or on the right track? My answer would be to ask yourself this question: what shade of gray are you playing in? Is it so close to black or white that you have trouble telling the difference? Is it a completely new shade that has some familiarities yet, feels new? Do yourself a favor and go with the very first thought that comes to mind when you ask that question – don’t give you’re a chance to think too hard on it.

    And that my friends, is how you trust your gut & intuition… at least from my perspective.

    Always love,

    T

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  • Jumping out of Airplanes

    I made a big decision this week. I’ve committed to a 6-month mentorship program with an amazing teacher. This is going to be a journey into my inner medicine woman, and I feel simultaneously excited and scared for where this is going to lead. The next 6 months are designed to break me open and build me back up in the most beautiful ways in the end transforming me into one badass healer. Some of you might be thinking, why would you volunteer, and better yet pay for something like this?

    Something shifted in me again after the eclipse. Being in NYC I was fortunate to experience the eclipse at like 90% coverage. At the time, it didn’t feel like much more than staring at something cool in a pair of sunglasses that while are designed to ensure you don’t go blind. If you ask me, they felt more like the glasses you get to watch a movie in 3D. Isn’t that appropriate? I felt like those glasses had me seeing into the 5D without me even realizing it. I sat on my back deck and as I watched the moon move over the sun I thought, well, science can be very cool. As the backyard got dark, I couldn’t help but think, where would I be the next time this happens? Would I have an opportunity to see something like this again? Chances are yes, I mean, I am only 40. Then, I dove further into my head and started thinking about life and where I’ve been and where I want to go in next.  

    I know that I have been repeating certain cycles; things need to change again. I switched up my sessions that I offer clients thinking maybe I needed to shake things up with my business a bit but that didn’t do much for me. This year has felt like the sequel to 2023 in a lot of key events. It’s also part of the reason I haven’t written as much in this blog. Who wants to read the same thing repeatedly? So, I know it’s time to pivot again in a major way. I’ve been asking myself what I’m scared of this time around… and I find that it’s not my monsters. Instead, it’s my GREATNESS. We will spend all this time asking ourselves, “What if I don’t make it? What am I going to miss out on? What will I leave behind?” causing us to forget to ask the more exciting questions: “What if I DO make it? What do I stand to gain? Who will I meet?”  

    Why do we do that to ourselves? If I truly believe the past is behind me, embracing it all through understanding it made me who I am today, why is it so hard to move on? Are humans addicted to drama and chaos? We crave peace and yet we’re drawn to frenetic energy like a trainwreck – you just can’t look away. I talk to friends and clients all the time, and this seems like an epidemic with people who are so beautiful, bright and talented and yet they dim themselves because they just refuse to acknowledge any of it in themselves. We’re nicer to complete strangers than we are to ourselves!  Insanity if you ask me.

    This mentorship is so much more than me learning from a skilled medicine woman. It’s accountability for myself to embrace and step into my own greatness in ways I’ve only dreamed of. I feel like the last year has been me waiting to jump out of an airplane. I have the chute on, I’ve been standing at the door and every time I think about taking that leap, I find an excuse not to do it and I stay in the plane. I can continue to stay put OR I can take a running leap and just let it all go.

    I’m going to leave you with something a friend sent to me the other day that really hit home:

    Our Greatest Fear by Marianne Williamson

    It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

    Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

    It is our light nor our darkness that most frightens us.

    We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

    Actually, who are you not to be?

    You are a child of God.

    Your playing small does not serve the world.

    There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

    You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

    It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

    And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same.

    As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

    So, I just jumped out of the airplane, my friends. Now, it’s time to fly.  

    Always love,

    T

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  • Eclipse Season

    Eclipse season. It’s always seemed a bit artificial to me. I’m someone who is deeply spiritual and follows astrology. I guess I just haven’t experienced an eclipse season where I “get” what everyone means: the being flipped upside down, turned inside out making you want to crawl in a hole and hide at what’s being brought to your attention feeling. I’ve come to the conclusion that it was because I had not dug deep enough into myself yet, so it was easy for me to shrug off heavy energies before. Now? Holy hell… this eclipse season has hit me like a ton of bricks. There’s also more going on too: Mercury Retrograde, Aries season and the start of the astrological new year, Spring. It feels like a perfect storm to force one to meet themselves, purge any old and residual energy that needs to go and start fresh.

    Anyone else feel that way? Like you’re a ball of goo inside a cocoon, afraid to transform because you’ve gotten comfortable where you are? However, you’ve failed to realize the home is falling apart because it wasn’t built to hold a different, bigger version of you. Now the ceiling is caving in, the windows are blown out and you’re being evicted against your wishes.

    I get this is not all a bad thing. That the proverbial said light is at the end of the tunnel and once this is over, we will be able to experience a lighter and brighter version of ourselves. I’ve done this before. That, however, does not make the process any easier, right? This morning, while I was writing in my journal, I started naming out the fears that are plaguing me this time around. Then I had this thought – while naming the fears is a part of the process, what is it behind the fear that I am so afraid of? Being a better version of myself? Being happy? Living a life that is truly based on MY needs and not anyone else’s? Why would those be bad things? Is it because I have never experienced them before, so my body doesn’t know how to respond to it? Maybe it’s my nervous system still in a fight or flight mode because it’s been about 35 years garbage retention and I’m still learning how to respond to calm, peace and boundaries.  The excavation continued from there.

    I think that’s what fear is designed to do: scare us so bad that we forget to peek around it to see the other side. The fear starts as a whisper, telling us we’re not good enough, we’re lazy, we’re weak and then we unconsciously start to feed it until it builds into this scream where we want to cover our ears and hide somewhere so we don’t have to face it. It reminds me of The Wizard of Oz. When you pull back the curtain, that fear is just a small thing (usually a neglected part of us) that wants some attention and love. Sometimes it’s new parts of me I haven’t met yet and sometimes it’s the parts I thought I already dealt with, coming back for me to take another look. Usually when it’s something I’ve looked at before, I spend time fighting my ego first because I feel like I should be “over” a particular topic or trauma and I get annoyed with myself that I’m not. I’m also discovering that the more I choose to ascend, the deeper I go down the rabbit hole. I feel, purge and experience things on a different level and that in itself can be scary sometimes. If ascension requires the letting go of things that no longer fit in your life, what am I being shown to let go of this time around? If it’s a “who” am I prepared to let that person go? That’s why fear is able to play such a large role… its very design is to keep us hidden or in the same spot so that we won’t move.

    More and more of us are starting to awaken. Instead of hiding, we’re pulling back the curtain, curious about what’s really going on back there.  I’m of the opinion that as that happens, the collective energy is going to get stronger for us that are already tapped in; another reason these astrological events are starting to have a bigger effect on me. Grounding and somatic exercises are paramount to keep us grounded so we don’t fly away on the tornado, else we find ourselves on a yellow brick road trying to find our way back home. Sticking to any practice is hard for me. I have to remind myself that even if it’s only 5 minutes every morning, it does make a difference: breathing, writing in a journal, sitting in front of my altar and praying. Even when I don’t feel like it. ESPECIALLY when I don’t feel like it. In a world where I can control only so much, I can control myself and my practice and fight to keep my feet on the ground.

    There’s no place like home.

    Always Love,

    T

    P.S. If you’re not sure where to begin, reach out to me. If I’m not the right fit, I have a directory of amazing people who can help.

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  • Repetition = Refinement

    Did anyone else feel like January lasted FOR-E-VER?? Because, whoa. I don’t know that I’ve ever been so happy to be in February before.

    So many changes: I turn 40 in a week. I remember January and February being snow filled and cold here in NYC, and that definitely doesn’t happen anymore (I hope I didn’t just jynx us). New Year’s doesn’t feel like it happens on January 1st for me anymore. I decided yesterday that from now on the new year happens on March 21st when we walk into Aries season. (For those of you who don’t know, that’s when the astrological year resets). So many changes, yet everything feels the same. If you ask me, January feels like one big hangover from December. There’s just too much packed into the prior month, and I feel like there isn’t enough time to rest afterwards. Have you ever thought about it? We go from celebrations and running around like chickens with our heads cut off to “new year, new me.” With no time to even think about what that “new me” looks, feels or sounds like.

    No wonder my head feels like it’s been in a fog.

    I have been in this perpetual state of “I should be doing something” for the last few weeks now. Anxiety has been driving me crazy and I couldn’t figure out why. After sharing with some family and friends, and then a good journal session, I finally figured it out. I shouldn’t be doing anything right now. Even as I sit here and type this, saying that feels wrong. I’m someone who feels like I’m supposed to be constantly on the move – planning & working towards the next goal. You can imagine how incredibly frustrated I have felt these last few weeks with lack of inspiration. It’s why I haven’t written here in about a month and a half. I won’t just write for the sake of, yet I feel like if I don’t put something out, I’m failing at keeping up.

    But keeping up with who? You, the reader? Myself? Other writers? When did this become some sort of job instead of my passion for words and stories?

    So yea, I’ve needed to slow down… and have found I have absolutely no idea how to do that. It’s come with a definite learning curve and triggered my anxiety in ways I couldn’t understand. I think that’s the lesson here.

    Now, follow along with me for a second. If you’re someone who knows me or reads this blog often, you’ll know I talk about cycles. When I see myself repeating a cycle, there is a big part of me that feels like I’m failing. Failing at what, I couldn’t even tell you. Life? The Lesson? Ascending? If I had to say, it would be all of the above. Even though I’m a space holder & healer, and I know differently, somewhere along the line repeating starting to equal failing.

    Repeating is about refining though. When we shed pieces of ourselves, or learn new habits, it takes time and repetition to make new habits. So, what I had to understand over these last few weeks is, I’m not failing at anything. That’s just the story I have been telling myself. On the contrary, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Sitting with me and taking time to rest after what was a very eventful 2023 so I can integrate more of what I’ve learned. Only then I can begin the process of refinement and moving forward again.

    January & February are meant to be rest months. A friend of mine reminded me not that long ago that Winter is not for doing. It’s about taking time for yourself to rest after a long year. Even nature hibernates during those months – you don’t see trees or flowers blooming, right? We need the time to just be so we can be ready when the Spring comes. When I think about it, it makes perfect sense that I’m having these realizations and writing this on Imbolc.  

    Now, I’m hoping that since I’ve had this realization, I’ll be able to really relax for the next few weeks. Allow my mind the space to wonder and ponder the new seeds I want to plant for the coming year. Accept that it’s okay to do nothing right now and that I’m not behind or losing time by doing so.

    Wish me luck. I’ll need it.

    Always love,

    T

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  • Energy reflects Energy

    I took a big sigh as I started to type this. It’s the end of the year, so you know what that means – reflection and goal setting for the upcoming year. I held my first circle this past Saturday for 10 women and that was the theme: 2024 intentions. I walked the group through a meditation to find their word for the new year. Once they had it, a few of the questions asked were: what does that mean to you? What does that word look like or represent?

    Mine was Health. Interestingly enough, I knew that was my focus, but I got a deeper meaning than I expected. When I think of health, I automatically go to the physical. I was reflecting on how this time last year, I got physically sick and that seemed to kick off a wave of major changes in my life that didn’t just affect my body, it swept through my mind and spirit as well. I’ve come a long way in 12 months; I know I have. So, it makes sense that as I journaled to really dig into what health looks like for me, I had some pretty big reflections. Yes, there were some major wins. Celebrations that I’ll take with me and expand on next year. There were also some major losses, with lessons that I’m still learning and integrating.

    Today’s journal entry of reflection had me facing both: dark and light. We often push aside the darker parts of ourselves because we’re scared to admit that we have these undesirable qualities. As I looked at myself and the people who surround me, I forced myself to be vulnerable and honest. What is a light and dark quality that person reflects to me? Where do I see myself and how do I represent those qualities as well? If you’re brave enough, I invite you to do the same exercise. I opened and closed my journal quite a few times, sometimes sitting in silence and reflecting. Other times, I would get up and look for a distraction so I wouldn’t have to face what I knew was truth and needed to come out. I had to remind myself that there is no one sitting in judgment of me other than myself, and we are so often our harshest critic. It’s hard to sit in discomfort, isn’t it? It’s funny because, it wasn’t pages upon pages of thoughts like my entries can sometimes be. 2-3 pages. That’s all. Vulnerability can be so hard, but it’s so simple.

    So, I’m going to make this simple too: Life is meant to be lived in gray. Right and wrong exist on a fundamental level: Don’t steal. Don’t hurt others. I’m not talking about the basics here though. Somehow, we’ve decided that we now get to determine right and wrong for others in everyday life. We’ve made a mess of it by not realizing in so many things, our version of right can be another person’s wrong and vice versa. Guess what? Almost all times, we both can live our truths without it affecting the other person. That is, if you’re willing to allow it to happen without feeling the need to force someone into what you believe. If more of us realized that there would be less judgment and suffering in the world.

    Where have you been black or white where you can learn to live in gray? Because at the end of the day, we’re all just a reflection of each other. Regardless of skin tone, race, religion, sex.

    Energy reflects energy.

    Wishing you all the best holiday season.

    Always love,

    T

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  • Timeline Jumping

    How many of you have heard of timeline jumping? For those of you who answered, nope, never heard of this, let me explain. It’s when you completely shift from one reality to another in your life. For instance, say you’ve been working at a job you absolutely hate. It brings you down, your attitude is less than stellar, and you’ve grown to adopt a negative outlook on life. At some point, you decide, I no longer want to do this, and you make a major shift – you leave your job and go into a completely different career field that makes you happy. Once this change is made, you notice your attitude is more upbeat, you’re smiling more, and you now have a positive outlook on life.

    That’s a timeline jump.

    You could have stayed on your old timeline and lived the rat race of feeling stuck in a job that you absolutely hate, letting it continue to affect all other parts of your life but instead, you took a leap and decided you wanted something different. We have the ability to do this with any part of our lives: careers, relationships with others and ourselves, spirituality, anything you can think of. To achieve this all you have to do is decide you no longer want to continue with the timeline you’re on and focus on where you want to be.

    I think I may have just made that sound easier than it actually is. Let me specify here that after you shift your focus towards the new timeline, you’ll have to do actual work to get yourself there. It’s not an instant manifestation that takes place immediately making you magically appear in a different space. (That being said, it’s amazing how once you shift your focus, the universe will step in and start putting things in your path to get you where you want to be.) If I’m being honest, I used to hear about timeline shifts and think it was crazy talk. When you think about it, you’re literally talking about being in a different space and time. To me, it sounded like science fiction. I didn’t know if I would ever experience something like that and if I did, what would it look like? A part of me expected to feel something, well, big.

    Over the last year, I have been jumping timelines. In the beginning, I didn’t even notice it. I was so deep into the changes and all the emotions that came with them that it didn’t occur to me that I was altering my reality in a major way. What made the light blub go on was saying to a friend of mine recently: “Had you known me even 1-2 years ago, you would have seen a different person. I sometimes don’t even recognize my life and what is has become.” That’s a pretty big statement and realization. As I sit here writing this now, I can honestly say, the life that I’m living currently is something I would have never thought I could be a part of. I just spent last Saturday in circle with some amazing women. I only knew 3 out of 7 of them. We drank caocao, shared amongst each other, I did one card readings for each of them and then we spent the rest of the evening dancing with snakes. You read that right. Dancing. With. Snakes. It was such a unique experience that there’s nothing to even compare it to. If you asked me to describe it, the words I have used are: Exhilarating, Healing, Transformative and Soul Bending. Needless to say, my Saturday nights used to look waaaaay different. That’s not to say that one is “better” than the other, they’re just different. The only way this even had the possibility to even exist for me is because I had decided I wanted different. When I look back, I can pinpoint certain cycles that I was repeating where I finally said, no more.

    Those of you who know and follow me have heard me talk about “doing the work” more times than I can probably count. I know that work can seem hard – and believe me, it is when you’re breaking decades or even generations of dysfunctional patterns. But what if you had the chance to leave that bullshit behind and live a completely different life; one that you’ve only ever dreamed about? Would that make the work seem worth it for you? I know it does for me. It’s been 11 months and I feel like I have lived lifetimes in that timeframe. If you’ve been keeping up with the blog, you know that it hasn’t been easy; there have been plenty of struggles. Yet, for every struggle I went through, the reward on the other side has been something I would have never expected. It’s amazing what comes into your field once you change your vibration and make space for it.

    I don’t think I’ll ever shrug off timeline jumping the way I used to. I have a whole newfound respect for it and where you can go if you believe in yourself and focus on where you want to be. It’s much more fulfilling than complaining every day about hating where you are. It all starts with a simple change in thought. Deciding that you no longer want to stay where you are and picturing where you want to be. I invite you to try it. I guarantee it’ll be interesting to see where your new timeline takes you.

    Who knows, you may even dance with snakes.  

    Always love,

    T

  • Witchy Woman

    **In honor of Halloween, I am posting this piece that was previously published in The Goddess Portal, earlier this year**

    Witch: a person thought to have magic powers, especially evil ones, popularly depicted as a woman wearing a black cloak and pointed hat and flying on a broomstick.

    That’s the definition you’ll find when you google the word Witch. There’s so much stigma attached to that word with one of the most famous occurrences being The Salem Witch Trials – the prosecution of people, mostly women, accused of witchcraft back in 1692. There were more than 200 accused. 30 were found guilty and 19 were executed.  While we’ll see memes online of witches being burned at the stake, all of the executed were actually hung. Here we saw the patriarchy blame women and witchcraft for what started as unexplained fits in several young girls within a village. Anyone who didn’t fit in with the Puritan values and church politics were thought to be a witch.

    But witch goes back even further than that – you can read about a witch in the Bible, in the Book of Samuel written sometime between 931 BC and 721 BC. It tells a story of King Saul seeking the Witch of Endor to summon the dead prophet Samuel to help him defeat an army. And still even further, before witch was even a term, you had the Oracle of Delphi in Greece who served under the God Apollo. Medicine women + men along with Shamans in Native American Culture. There are so many other references I can use, but that would fill up these pages and not leave space for the message. I invite you to do your own research here; you’ll find it fascinating.

    There was a time when “witches” were revered and sought after and treated with great respect. A time when a medicine woman, shaman, guide or oracle was believed to be the wisest amongst all. For the purpose of this piece, I’ll be referring to the feminine. Once the patriarchy entered and decided they didn’t like the power we held,  we were persecuted, executed and silenced. We fell back into the shadows to avoid being outcasted. Think about how many stories you here about a witch living in the woods – Hansel and Gretel is one that comes to mind. Witches are made to be evil creatures, nasty and mean who use their magick to spread darkness. I’m of the belief that even today, for every woman out there who uses her power for ego, darkness and self-advancement there are 5 other women who are using their gifts for community, healing the collective and self-empowerment. Because we’ve been taught to stay in the shadows, you can’t see us, but we’re there.

    Notice I’ve been saying we. I identify as a witch wholeheartedly. Witch is NOT what you see in the movies, but in a way, it IS. There are spells, I just may not wave a wand around and make something disappear or change before your eyes. Instead it’s affirmations and being careful with how I use my words since I know how powerful a word can be. There are herbs and cauldrons. Instead of eye of newt and frogs legs, it’s sage, lavender, thyme and other herbs that suit the petition. Think about how you cook – you put ingredients into a pot, all for a specific reason and take care stirring and tending to your recipe for a specific intention. How can you tell me that’s not witchcraft?

    Witchcraft, spells, intentions, praying, whatever you choose to call it is all about living in ceremony. We do everyday things with specific intentions knowing that spirit is listening to us. We have reverence for all living things from the smallest bug to the biggest animal. We carry respect and love for our earth mother Gaia trusting and knowing she will provide and hold us safe if we allow her to and take great care of her in return. We speak our minds, and aren’t afraid to go against the grain in society while the rest of the world remains asleep and does what they are told. Never afraid of our bodies, we know the power our vessels hold and embrace our sexuality, beauty and strength. THAT is the true definition of witch. Every woman reading this, and even the ones who don’t, have an inner witch waiting inside of them. You have an unlimited power inside of you if you’re willing to look deep enough to find it. Don’t be intimidated by what’s right and what’s wrong – that’s the beauty of this. There is no right or wrong. There is only you, your power, and your intuition. Not sure where to start? That’s also okay. If I could give you any advice, it would be to start where your heart leads you. If it’s as simple as talking to an animal, touching a tree with love and respect, googling ceremony, or the moon phases, go with wherever your intuition guides you. You’ll find that once you start, you’ll know where to continue from there.

    I’m taking back the word witch. I use that title with the honor, respect and love that it deserves. I call in my sisters to do the same. We don’t need black pointy hats (even though they can be cool) or brooms. We are eclectic and beautiful in our diversity. From the young girl who talks to animals in the forest, to the teenager who makes her own perfume oils and does her makeup differently than everyone else, to the mother who takes the time to research holistic health for her babies, to the grandmother who sits with her grandbabies and passes down family rituals and stories, we are one. Let us stand united together and reclaim this moniker to the glory she once had.

    Always Love, T

  • Feel That Shift?

    Normally, I wait until a download hits to write a blog post. I find that the message I channel is 10x more potent than if I sit staring at a computer screen worrying about how every sentence sounds. I did however just have an amazing trip to Greece that I have been dying to share with you all. So, I’ve been impatiently awaiting said download. Then I realized: I have a ton of journal entries full of downloads written while I was in Greece in the thick of it all. Why wouldn’t I use that?

    And away we go!

    Back in April I was scrolling through Instagram and came up to a post advertising a Goddess Untethered Retreat in Pelion, Greece. Lola Manekin would be holding space for about 15-20 women on a transformative retreat in an amazing setting designed to have you go deep within and find your inner goddess. Now, before I go any further, I’m going to shout out Lola for the master teacher, amazing healer, and badass queen that she is. She’s truly devoted to her craft, healing and 100% authentic in what she does and who she is. It’s so inspiring and I’m going to continue working with her post Greece. If you have social media, go look her up and follow her – she’s on facebook and IG under her name.

    I still can’t figure out where I got the courage to reach out and ask her about this trip. I’ve never traveled by myself before, let alone overseas to a foreign country. Throw in the fact that I would not know a single person who would be there, and I had a recipe for severe anxiety. But I did it. I paid for the trip in full when I booked, and I marked it down on my calendar and started to do what I realized was prep work for what was to come in Greece. I take my spiritual work and journey very seriously. If I was going to make the most out of this trip, I wanted to make sure I was as open as possible to what would be coming my way.  As I read through my journal entries for the time away, I realized that I had made the leap right when I got on that plane and no amount of prep work could have had me ready for it anyway. I believed in myself so much, had trusted this would be a life-changing trip so I went into this with my full heart. That alone is a game changer for me. It also helps that when I landed in Greece, I met a beautiful soul, Jennifer, and it felt like we had been friends for a long time instead of just meeting each other. (Jen, we had to have known each other in a past life for sure) It made me feel so at peace with my decision to be there. She eased my anxiety without even realizing it.

    Part of a journal entry from the first session on day 1 of the retreat: “I have wanted to be seen my whole life – but I have spent my existence hiding. I have been scared to show up as me. Yet here I am. In GREECE. Alone. On this journey doing the work and looking fear in the eye. I can do this. No, I AM doing this. I’ve BEEN doing it. AND I FUCKING LOVE WHO I AM SO MUCH.”

    Now, that’s not to say the work was easy. It was actually hard most times. There was a moment when I didn’t want to show up. The days before, I had pushed through my comfort zone and my ego was starting to creep back in. Thoughts of “You danced so out of step and everyone was so on point, you don’t belong here” … “I can’t believe you said that in circle yesterday, these women must think you’re crazy” … “I can’t do this; I don’t know why I put myself so far out there.” I pushed though and had an amazing day but stayed back instead of going to the evening session to have some time to myself. During that time, I had one of the most eye-opening shadow journal entries I’ve written in a long time. I’m going to share with you all part of what I wrote that night here: “I think I am finally ready. Ready for what? To leave it all behind. Today Lola said: the stories that no longer serve us are too small for us. Where can we find the bigger story that fits? Well, this limited version of myself that I keep holding onto is too small. The fear. The doubt. Being afraid to take up space. I can do anything that I want to do. Yes, it might be scary, but that doesn’t mean my anxiety needs to control me. How long do I want to continue with my bullshit? How long do I want to continue living in a box that’s too small for me? I BELONG. I CAN TAKE UP SPACE. I am no longer that scared little girl in a dark room, locked away. I have opened her cell door, and she is now FREE.”

    Once that shift took place, so many beautiful things began to happen. I did a breathwork journey that showed me new parts of myself and had me surrounded by female ancestors that made me cry tears of joy. I was a part of a beautiful goddess initiation ceremony where we said how we felt with our eyes and danced with our hands in a circle. I faced my anxiety head on in an intense somatic practice and witnessed others facing their fears as well.  I had a beautiful cleansing in the Aegean Ocean with Lola that I will carry with me in my heart for the rest of my life. I also shared my tarot talent and got to experience others awe in watching me be the channel that I am. I also had countless conversations with each woman there with me where I gained more knowledge and perspective than I ever thought possible. Sisters, each one of them, from all over, that I now carry with me each day.

    Then on the last day of the trip, I spent the day in Athens with another special human. Noa, another master teacher and retreat participant, healed me without ever touching me with her hands. She held space, understood and saw me, and while she may seem like she has a tough exterior, she has a heart of pure gold and love that should be shared with everyone. (Yup, secret is out, I told everyone) There’s a friendship that was started there that I’m so looking forward to growing.

    That’s just a glimpse of those 9 days.

    The shift that took place on this trip was massive. I’m still integrating lessons and taking my time doing so. In one of the last circles Lola held, I told the women sitting with me: “I always say, I am living the dream. Anyone who knows me knows that’s how I answer when I’m asked how I’m doing. Well, it occurred to me the other night while journaling, that I actually AM living my dream. I’m sitting in Greece, with amazing women around me, doing the work and showing up as me.”

    So, I want to thank all of the women who were on the trip of a lifetime with me: Betsy H, Bianca, Jen, Mel, Margot, Dani, Kellie, Ray, Claire, Kimberly, Sunny, Noa, Becca, Betsy G. Mariska and our amazing teacher Lola. Thank you for holding the space, showing up as yourselves and for being a part of something so special with me. I am truly humbled and grateful to have had the chance to get to know each of you.

    And to you dear reader, I recommend retreats to anyone and everyone. It’s such a cool way to meet people that share your energy and vibe. They have retreats for just about anything, so don’t be afraid to look one up and book it.

    Oh, and Greece, you absolutely MUST go to Greece 😉

    Always love,

    T