You know, just when I think I’ve learned something and I know how it works, I’m shown what an illusion that really is. I posted the other day on my IG account about how you need to experience both sides to a story before you can truly exit a cycle. Full transparency, that was one of those downloads where I got the message, thought I knew exactly how to relate it to my life and so I also shared it with the world. The universe then stepped in with a very blunt – You know nothing, Jon Snow. (Game of Thrones reference for my fellow nerds) and I got knocked firmly on my ass.

Ego.

You’re such a bitch sometimes.

The current part of my healing journey has me working on really hearing other people. Listening to understand and not to respond. Thought process being: how am I going to help the collective if I can’t really hear what’s going on? Nothing is ever as it seems. From a young age, we’re all taught to wear a variety of masks making it rare to meet a true authentic soul. Zero judgment here – I have many masks I’ve been working on taking off. Deeper still – I never felt understood myself. A social outcast from a young age, I went through a period where I had not one friend. I want to make sure I give back to our collective and hold the space needed for others to feel understood. Our community needs more of this space. So I’m working on my listening… I’m also working on my own healing… and exploring a whole new world with this blog… and starting my business… and every day that is my life. Whoa. Just typing that out, I’m realizing just how much that is. Things have started to mesh in certain places and separate in others and I’m so focused on myself and what I have going on that I’m not realizing how that’s affecting those around me. Now that I’m picking my head back up, I’ve got to reassess what’s really going on.

You ever hurt someone close to you without meaning to? To me, that’s a special kind of kick in the ass. You think you’re doing all the right things but find out you’ve been very wrong in other important areas. I know that once it was brought to my attention, I felt a whole array of emotions but the ones that stood out the most were embarrassment and shame. Here I am trying to create safe space for the collective and some of the people that I hold the nearest and dearest to me feel like I’ve become unreachable. Well, that blows. Way to go, T. Enter guilt… then some good old fashioned low self-esteem… I’m a horrible person for doing this to someone I love! and so continues a descension – a spiral down into the shadow and all things dark.

Here’s where you and I sigh loudly to get some of that dense energy out.

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

So how do you respond? I could have argued and gotten into this toxic back and forth. You know what I’m talking about – you get embarrassed, so you want to put the spotlight anywhere but on you and make a million and one excuses for your behavior. I sat with that shadow for a minute. I let her try to come up with an excuse on how I could be so remiss. But how can I understand if I don’t really listen? I don’t know about you, but I hate being wrong or making mistakes. I battle my own insecurities that make my shadow want to stand even taller.  It triggers old trauma of “you don’t measure up and you’re a shitty friend and this is why no one ever really likes you”

That energy feels like shit though. And I aim to ascend, not descend.

It was time for me to step into the other character role here. I sat my shadow back in the corner and grown-up Taryn stepped in. This isn’t about how I feel right now. This is about how I’m making someone else feel.  

I’m proud of me. Of us. I sat with someone very important to me and had a real grown conversation. She held me accountable while also expressing some tough emotions and I was able to speak my side while also acknowledging where I’ve been blind. We both held space for each other and listened to understand. It was fucking beautiful.

That. That’s what I’m doing this for. These are the cycles I’m breaking. Most people refuse to acknowledge they are living in their shadow. That reptilian side of our brain has our ego focused on envy, comparison, jealousy, lack. We feel like we can’t compete because insert whatever your insecurity is here and so we project those emotions onto the people around us. Your shadow can have you locked in a never-ending karmic cycle if you have no self-accountability. Let’s continue to remove the armor that is self-judgment and be more vulnerable with our self-accountability. Healing is not linear. I don’t think that’s said enough. We screw up. We have setbacks.  We’re HUMAN. We are here to live the human experience and feel all of the feels. Think about plants – they need both sunshine AND rain to survive. We are much the same way. We can’t appreciate the beautiful without really seeing and experiencing the ugly.   Do you SEE, now? This is why we have to go through a cycle twice and through these different point of views to truly ascend it. You need to really SEE in order to release judgement & heal. And that, I discovered, is how you are truly able to let things go.

I invite you to SEE, soul family. Really look at your surroundings. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you bored? Are you ascending? Descending? Stagnant? No judgment in this space – just acknowledgment of your present moment. Now deeper still, how does that make you feel?

As I leave you with that, I’m going to drop some unsolicited advice: When someone important to you pulls you aside to show you a blind spot, hug that person tightly. Don’t let your shadow have you running away. I promise, you won’t regret it.

I heard you, sis.

Always love, T