I was sick last week. Like, in the hospital needed an IV for fluids type of sick. I’m feeling better now, but during that week I went through the craziest purge I’ve had in, well, maybe EVER. Anxiety is a bitch, man. It’s hard enough to get out of your own head as it is. Throwing in anxiety is like adding rocket fuel to an already out of control dumpster fire.

You might be asking, T, what does being sick have to do with anxiety? Well, when I get sick, I worry that something is wrong. It’s such an irrational fear, but it’s something I’ve carried with me for a long time. By the time I was 25 (and within a span of a few short years) I had lost my mother, her twin brother and grandmother – 3 very influential people in my life. My mom was everything I wanted to be; she loved people for exactly who they were and made them feel good for it. My grandmother built her career from the ground up and by the time she died, was one of the best in her business. And my uncle? He was a major rebel who did exactly what he wanted, when he wanted and he was cool while doing it. They were all young: my mother and uncle in their 40s; my grandmother in her early 60’s. All I could think was – why? Why are they gone already? At the time I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t want to try either. I also don’t know that I ever really grieved them. I avoided those emotions and threw myself into becoming a mom and having my own family instead. I buried the grief, fear, anxiety – all of those shadow emotions that come with death and did what I could to keep childhood traditions alive with my own kids. My fear & anxiety never went away though, it was just under lock and key. Anyone who suffers from anxiety knows how things can snowball, and fast. One fear becomes the next and before you know it, you’re talking yourself into walking off a ledge because you’re drowning in your shadow. For those of you who suffer daily: I see you.  Do not walk off that ledge! It took me being really sick to face my own shit. I’ve been sick before of course, but there was something about this last week were I really had to face myself and my anxiety and fear.

If you’re not into energy work, a quick lesson. Fear, anxiety & hopelessness all block your heart chakra located right in the middle of your chest. So to me, it makes sense that I ended up with a nasty respiratory virus. My fear and anxiety had built up so much over the years; from everything to dying young and leaving my babies behind like my mom, to not being enough for my family and friends, to fear of expressing who I really am and being seen… yikes. It’s been like a boulder sitting in my chest and I had no idea how big it had become. And even though I’ve been studying reiki for about a year now and I’ve been doing all of this self-healing, my fear still froze me right where I was and I had no idea how to get out of it.

You can literally make yourself sick by holding onto things, fam. A virus that normally wouldn’t last long took up residence in my body and told me it wasn’t going anywhere until I finally got this shit off my chest. I finally broke down and confided in my husband. Imagine being married for almost 15 years and he had no idea I’ve been so in my head about things for so long. After crying and talking for a while, I noticed my chest started to feel a little lighter. It was time. Time to purge that fear that I had been carrying for so long. I took some time and sat with my mom, uncle, and grandmother and grieved them properly for the first time in a long time. I carry them with me every day – in a lot of the things that I do. From mannerisms, music, style, you name it. I am not mother, but I sure am her daughter.

Do I think that I just magically got rid of these hard emotions I’ve been carrying for what seems like forever? No. I’m sure I’m going to have to deal with them again in another form. Such is the spiral of life. But I’m glad I got over the shame, embarrassment and self-loathing enough to finally get it out. To talk about it and add reason to it so it can’t run away with my brain anymore. That’s what’s going to help me the next time I face it.  

If you’re suffering from intrusive thoughts, anxiety and fear, I encourage you to talk to someone. It can be a friend, a family member, anyone you trust. Just get it out. Storing that shit inside is only going to make you sick – both physically and mentally. Then come up with a plan for how to deal once the thoughts start. It could be as simple as chanting “I am safe, I am healthy, I am loved” or throwing on your favorite song until you get your feet back on the ground. Know that it may take several attempts before something works – and that’s okay too. You’re doing the work by battling through it and it will get easier to fight with time. Just keep fighting.

I had a mantra for this year: 2022 is ending patterns that no longer serve me. Enter The Purge as I’m now calling it. 2023 is going to be a brand new year with new beginnings and I’m so excited for it. Fuck fear. We’re done with it.

Always love,

T