Sitting with pain is way harder than consistency. I would imagine it’s probably a big proponent of why we don’t remain consistent, right? Tony Robbins talks about pain and there’s a quote from one of his books that has always sat with me: “People will do more to avoid short term pain then they will to gain pleasure. Most people manage pain by eating, drinking, smoking, distracting themselves, working harder. That’s just managing the pain, the pain that comes from not feeling fully alive from not growing” We want change, but we fear the pain that growth may cause. So instead, we avoid it, not realizing we’re causing ourselves greater pain in the long run because we’re not living in our authenticity.

I’ve been saying I’m growing and onto new cycles for a while now… and I’m at a point in my journey where I have no idea where my path is leading me. Enter said new cycle. I never thought I would be in the spot I’m in right now. I’m still in the process of accepting it. It’s hard for me to write this one. My heart has been bleeding for what feels like weeks and I’ve been doing my best to patch it up. I’m a healer, right? I have tools in my box that are designed to help with all sorts of healing. I had to be reminded that while I am magic, things take time to heal. I can’t snap my fingers and be over something.

The biggest part of growth is new boundaries. I don’t think it’s just the growth we have trouble with, it’s those new boundaries that a healthier version of you starts asserting. I used to have no boundaries. I didn’t say no very often. It’s why my mental health was so fucked and my anxiety had gone through the roof. I’m the type of person who will find good in just about anyone. My Human Design is a Projector. I can literally focus in on you and SEE you. The more I love someone, the more I try to understand them; soothe their wounds, be a safe space. Then it would turn into trying to heal them. I’ve done this with family members, boyfriends, friends.

It wasn’t until I started healing myself that I realized, I’m not Bob the Builder. YOU are the only person that can heal yourself. Even more important – YOU have to want to heal. Not in a half assed attempt when you’re upset in a moment, but every day. Consistently. Changed habits. I wrote about that in the last blog. That shit is hard as fuck. To change a pattern that has been so ingrained in you for so long can sometimes seem impossible. Stepping out of your comfort zone is scary as hell and facing your shadow side is intimidating.

You hear it all the time. When you grow and evolve, the people who resonate with the old version of you will have a hard time with the newer version. That could be for many reasons, and no one is a bad person. Sometimes, your paths just split. If you ask me, it’s a shitty consolation prize to say that to someone who lost someone who’s been so important to them for so long.

I hear my mother in my head – “This too shall pass, Tar”

I know it will, Mom. But the time it takes to pass is what’s so fucking hard.

The sleepless nights. The back and forth on whether or not you’re doing the right thing for yourself. The self doubt the creeps in and is determined to talk you out of walking forward and wants you to look back.

And here’s where I hear my mother in my head, again – “Just walk away, Tar”

You know she had been telling me that until she died? I could never understand the peace maker in her. I used to rage for justice; to tell my side of the story and to get people to understand me, too. (hello, Aries moon)

No more. It’s exhausting and also pointless. I get it now, Mom. You can’t control what other people think, anyway. We see things from our own lens. That’s why there are three sides for every story, not two. As long as you’re solid in who you are, that’s all that matters.

I imagine as I continue my path and go through life, I will continue to lose people along the way. My heart will hurt and I will need to mend it again. You have to accept people for who they are and sometimes that means leaving them where they want to be. Some people may stay exactly where you leave them. You could see them again in 5 years and they haven’t really changed. But there are others where you split up for a while and maybe you don’t see them for months or years but somehow you find your way back to each other. Both of you different versions of yourself able to walk along side each other again.

What’s important to remember is the universe places people into our lives exactly when we need them. They will exit when the purpose or lesson has been learned. It’s when we refuse to let go that hurtful shit can happen. That’s the universe’s way of giving you a choice – you can stay and things can continue to unravel or you can make peace with what is and respect what was and walk away.

So I will leave you with this – may you have the courage to face yourself to make the changes you know you need to make in order to grow, no matter how painful that may be. May you have the courage to sit with and honor the pain that comes with that growth so that you learn what it’s trying to teach you in order to move on.

They’re called growing pains for a reason.

Always love,

T