A good friend of mine asked me the other day: “T, what is it that you are looking for? It seems like you’re searching for something with this journey of yours.”

It was a profound question and one that I have asked myself many times before. It can be easy to lose yourself in the healing that you do getting caught up in the details that sometimes you may even forget the why yourself. What am I looking for? The answer is simple, yet it has such a big meaning behind it.

I am looking for ME. 

Do you remember who you used to be before the opinions of others overwhelmed and washed away your spark? We start off as these beautiful individuals full of energy and then get met with a list of shoulds and shouldn’ts. It starts with our parents – they encourage us to do things based on their likes and wants. Simple things like what to wear and how to do your hair or how to conduct yourself around others. Think about this, how many times were you told to keep your voice down, sit still or forced to wear something you didn’t like because you didn’t have a choice? We then get thrown into society and you meet all sorts of other unsure kids who are all looking for some sort of power to use their own voice. You meet your first clique or bully and life sort of rolls on from there. If you don’t have a stable foundation at home where you’re encouraged to be yourself, you find yourself confused and unsure of yourself from such a young age that it almost seems impossible to get that original version back.

If you’ve read earlier blog posts, I’ve broken down certain instances in my life where I know I lost a piece of me, burying it away for no one else to see. It’s really been a lifetime of not letting the world see me because of my many insecurities. I’ve tried to insert myself into the many different cliques and tribes along the way to prove that I am good enough to exist and be here. Whether it was a soccer team, friendship circles, or a career and work, I would throw myself into these things and do everything I could to show I was the best so that I had some sort of recognition and proof that I too had reason for being here and belonging. I was in a retreat this passed weekend and we did an exercise on the first night that floored me. It showed me that when I came into this body, I was unsure from the very start. As I dropped into that space, I found myself mourning the maiden I once was that I never let truly fly. Staring at that younger version of me, I saw that she was beautiful, and I just couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell everyone to fuck of, letting her shine bright. Everyone has imperfections, so why did I feel like mine were center stage under a spotlight for all to see? Pretty egotistical when you get older and realize everyone has their own shit their dealing with and most people aren’t making fun of you like you think they are. It wasn’t until I hit motherhood that I started to wake up and remember that I have my own perspective that is meant to be shared as well.  Now I find myself in this in-between stage of motherhood and wise woman and I’ve been facing fear just letting it all go. What am I holding onto all of this baggage for? It’s heavy and I just want to soar free.

So, what is this journey all about? I’m shedding all the armor that I have built over the last 35 years to shine bright like I was always meant to. I’m healing the pieces of me that required those layers in the first place. My whole existence has been about living for other people and putting their needs first to show that I am worthy of being here, of love. Now I’m finally living for myself and doing the things that I have always wanted to do. I’ve had this fear of dying young for years now and I always attributed it to losing my mother when she and I were both young. I’ve realized while that may be a part of it, the deeper layer of that fear is: I feel like I have not really lived yet. I’m just getting to the good part and I have so much left that I want to do and see. I don’t want it to be cut short and regret never really showing myself that I can do and be whatever the hell I want. To feel in the depth of my soul that other opinions don’t matter and even if I am by myself, it’s okay because I still have the most important person of all right here: ME.

I have finally come home… to me. In the words of Stevie Nicks, back to the gypsy that I was. That I was always meant to be.

This is my why.

This has been the year of the Pheonix for me. I can feel my wings stretching out and being used for the first time. It’s exhilarating to feel that wind. As I begin to fly, I’m allowing myself the space and time to just appreciate where I am in this journey right now. I love all the previous versions of me so much. They have gotten me to this space that I’m currently in, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. We have looked fear in the face and given it two middle fingers and a huge scream to FUCK OFF.

Letting go is not easy. You must face fear head on and break through it. Depending on your journey, that takes time, multiple tries, and breaking decades of programming. Don’t give up. I’m here to tell you if I can do it, so can you.

Let yourself fly.

Always love, T