Being human is messy. We sign up to come to this planet knowing we’re going in to learn lessons and feel big feelings but I don’t think we truly get the density of this plane until we’re on it. It’s not surprising that some people decide to exit rather than continue; sometimes the feelings can be so overwhelming and in rapid succession that it’s hard to remember it’s just a moment in time and it will pass.

Where I have been since May? I started a 6-month container of embodiment, mentorship and growth to continue my path as a medicine woman. I’ve been on a healing journey for several years now, but this? I don’t think anything could have really prepared me for what I have been experiencing.

I think most people in the world are taught that emotions are uncomfortable. There are very few containers in actual 3D life where big feelings are not only accepted but held. How many times have you seen someone exhibiting what we call “gentle parenting” and judged them for letting their child be out of control? How many times as a child were you sent to your room without being able to express your emotions? Been told you’ll be given something to cry about? How about that silent cry where it’s just tears and you’re almost numb as they fall down your face? Even with most forms of therapy, the solution is usually to prescribe a medication that dulls your feelings instead of dealing with them. **Disclaimer: I have done therapy several times as well as been on medication. While I DO think there are times where medication is essential, I also believe the approach is often less about space to deal with things and more about medication to dull whatever you’re going through.

If you’re someone who watches TV, do a count of how many medicine commercials there are in a single 30 min show. There’s a medication for just about anything now; and they rattle off the side effects like it’s no big deal.  My personal journey was with antidepressant Effexor. It would help take the edge off my panic attacks, but I gained over 20 lbs, started having heart palpitations (and was actually on a heart monitor) and had facial twitching. So that’s the trade off for some help with my mental health? Now it’s physical symptoms instead? Another pill on top of a pill to help with side effects?

We need more spaces where we can go to just be. Spaces where there are people who have walked through the fire so they can help those who are just entering their own flames. Places where you aren’t brushed off, aren’t judged and are encouraged to let it all out. We need more tools available, mentors to lean on and spaces for integration after a big release. Most of us don’t realize that the release is just the beginning of it. Once you let it all out, there are many feelings to navigate in the aftermath that could easily keep you at rock bottom.  

I know you have a job and can’t afford to fall apart.

I know you have a family and responsibilities, so you just have to keep going. You don’t have “time” to deal with this shit.

I know there are other people out there with bigger problems, so you should just be thankful for what you got.

But I’m calling bullshit on that narrative. That mind frame forced me to be so strong that I used to pride myself on being able to take it all on… not only for myself, but for others too. Now it’s time for me to be soft, vulnerable, and tender with myself.

SURRENDER.

I have fought that word for several months now. I’m done fighting. There is nothing left to fight. Instead, I’m going to accept, surrender and embrace. At 40 years old, I’m learning how to feel and deal with my emotions. I’m learning those emotions are valid regardless of what someone else may think. This is the most raw and vulnerable I have ever been in my life. That scares the shit out of me. I’m right on time for where I’m supposed to be, as uncomfortable as that is.

I’m incredibly thankful for the container I’m in because without it, I would have quit several times by now (I almost did too, but that’s a story for another time). I originally thought I was going to write a piece here about my experience with Kambo. I suppose I did, just in a different way. The medicine ran so deep through me and brought old moldy feelings up to the surface and then asked me: Hang on or Release?  

It’s scary to let go… but as Lola would say, the only way out is through.

That is the journey of the medicine woman:

She stands strong not because she is the chosen one, but because she walks through the flames herself as many times as needed.  

She is wise not only because she reads books or takes classes, but because she has experience holding space for herself in some of her darkest hours.

She is vulnerable not because she’s weak, but because she understands sometimes you will fall apart to come together again.

 There is no certification. No graduation. No diploma.

She becomes by walking the path.

Always love,

T