Settle in because this is going to be a long one.

From May 2024 through October 2024, I signed myself up for a mentorship with someone I look at as a Master Teacher. To be honest, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. That six months felt like a long time when I signed up, yet I’m surprised that it’s already over. How has that time passed already? How was there a Spain retreat mixed into that as well? It almost feels like I dreamt of being in Barcelona.

Originally, when I thought of the mentorship, I had this vision of learning everything Lola knew. I would be sitting with a notebook taking notes for step-by-step instructions on different treatments and then practicing with her overseeing me. She’d give her feedback, and I would walk away with certification as “Medicine Woman”. Boy, was it so much deeper than that. How we worked together made me realize there is no certificate that makes one qualified as a healer per se. Sure you can do courses in different modalities, but a true healer gains wisdom through their own experience. Think of it this way: when you’re going for an operation, do you want the doctor that has a degree fresh from school with the piece of paper that says they passed, or do you want the doctor who has been in the OR day after day performing the actual tasks? Experience IS the certificate. It’s where the true wisdom lies. I’m finding that was the big part of the medicine for me: I’m always looking for more or the next step. How can I expect to absorb the present moment if I’m already looking into the future? I realized I had been treating my healing journey like a checklist. The more boxes I check off, the more qualified I would appear. This container forced me to be present in the now, in my body, and demanded my absolute attention. There was no space to take anything else on, and when I was with Lola for a weekend, I was IN IT.

For six months it’s been one experience after another; layer after layer being peeled back and worked on. From that first day I arrived at The Sacred Owl, we had dived right in. There was no dipping into the pond toe first… in true Lola fashion, we cold plunged right into it (literally) Because I had nowhere else to go, it made anxiety so incredibly loud for me. With no distractions, I had no choice but to face that monster dead on. Sit with it. Hold it. Love it. Looking back, I can see how much shame I had in acknowledging those feelings. It’s why I had always been looking for an instant fix: make it go away, right now! My inner voice would whisper “what do you have to be anxious about? How can you let other people see you this way? You’re weak.” I spent most of my life disassociated from my body. There were always things to distract or numb me. When given this space to really drop in, to feel it all, it scared the shit out of me. As I sat there and started to face these shadow attributes: Shame, guilt, grief, despair, self-loathing, with nowhere to go and I wanted to run away from it all. I was thinking what did I get myself into? Was I really ready for something like this?

In 2023 I had a nervous breakdown and was put on antidepressants to come out of it. I’m proud to say that within that safe container with Lola I was able to come off the medication, feel deeply and fall apart in front of her with implicit trust. Screw the certificates, that is what my goal is. To create and hold safe space just like that for others. That woman showed me so much grace, compassion and love when I felt my lowest and unworthy. She showed me no judgement, only truths; contemplations that I would then sit with to come to my own realizations. It was at that moment I realized what type of ride I was in for. While I did get the opportunity to witness her lead classes and breathwork, and there were some notes, it wasn’t step by steps. It was observing how she held the space; feeling her become this mountain, sitting so grounded and calm, yet demanding all or nothing. There would be no halfway. The capacity she has to hold someone in their vulnerability, that’s what I needed to see, feel and experience.

In my 2^nd month, I sat with Kambo. It’s medicine from the Phyllomedusa Frog in the Amazon with the purpose of purging from deep within. Now, I could do a whole separate blog on that experience, and maybe will at a later date. For now, here are the cliff notes. I did a series of 3 over the course of Friday, Saturday and Sunday that weekend and I almost quit after the first round. The medicine reached a level I didn’t even know existed in me. That first night, I sat scared, my ego playing all of these moments in front of me like a movie: where I went wrong, where I judged others, acted selfish with those I love… it was unbearable. I reached out to Lola and told her I wasn’t going to do the rest worried I would disappoint her. She held space for me with so much grace. With gentle pushing and words to contemplate, she gave me the space to come to my own decision and choose my own medicine. That second day felt powerful – I saw myself walking through flames and becoming the Phoenix. In that moment I started to believe I could face the really hard things. Don’t get me wrong I’ve done many hard things in my life, but it always came from a space of having no choice. Making my own decision to continue to sit with medicine allowed me to take my power back. Looking back, that’s the day I decided I was going to stop running. So on that 3^rd day, I swore it was going to be easy. I faced hell the day before, so this should be a walk in the park, right? Ha! While I felt the purge that final day, there was a voice inside of me whispering that I didn’t get everything. I had held something back that I wasn’t ready to let go of yet.

Because of that, I started to retreat back into myself again. July didn’t even happen in person. It would be over a month before I saw Lola again back at Sacred Owl. Because I’m able to look at this from the outside now, I can see how I shut myself down and almost gave up again. Sure, we still spoke on the phone and Lola was still there in it with me, but I was sitting on a cliff of my own, terrified of really surrendering it all. A death and rebirth on such a big scale would change me too much. I felt I was giving up too much of who I had become as if I would lose her. I didn’t want to lose that version of Taryn who worked so hard to get where she was. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. I still had this mentality that when one version of ourselves dies, we lose them forever. That if I changed too much, I would lose more of what I hold dear to me and after already losing so much, how could I let go even more?

Summer was tough for me. There were many battles fought internally where I felt like a failure and fraud. Here I was in this container where I signed up to go deep but when it came time to really do the work, I ran away from it. I fought against my vulnerability and anxiety was probably at its worst. I took for granted how powerful Kambo is. How strong the antidepressants were and the detox that would occur from coming off them. It was like a tornado inside of me that I couldn’t contain. I was convinced Lola was going to give up on me. She would tell me she was going to end the container early because I was wasting her time and taking up space someone else could fill. I couldn’t be more wrong. That next month, there she was. Arms wide open, accepting, and ready to keep going. As she embraced me as she always does when we meet, it was a reminder: The only way out is through. That’s when the shift took root. We sat with grandmother cacao this time and I felt my capacity get larger, expanding my heart further than I thought possible. It was now the end of August, the summer was waning, and this voice was whispering inside of me “It’s time”. As the the dance between her and I started up again, I could feel a difference.

When I saw her a few weeks later for our next session, proof of that shift would show up in the 3D. We were visited by a Great Horned Owl. They are known to be the medicine man/woman’s guardian spirit. They also symbolize transformation, change and transition from one stage to another. Could there be a greater sign from spirit and the ancestors? It was screaming: YOU ARE READY. As proof, here was this incredible woman who I admire so much holding my hand through it; also saying “You are worthy, but you need to believe in yourself.” I was so humbled to be there, to sit with the Owl who has not left my shoulder since. While it felt amazing, in the background, there was still this small nagging piece left in me that didn’t yet believe. It felt like a mold in my body I couldn’t get rid of.

Enter Spain. Retreats are something I always go all in with. Because I had already been working solo with Lola for those last few months, there was this chip on my shoulder like I had something to prove. It was as if I convinced myself I needed to show up a specific way, although I couldn’t even tell you what that way looked like. 2 days into Barcelona, I had a massive panic attack at night. I even tried to change my flight to come back home and skip out on the retreat. I couldn’t allow myself to fail in front of these other badass woman, so I would leave instead. When I couldn’t get through to the airline, I reached out to Lola instead. At 5AM, she showed up at my hotel room in her pj’s and held me. She reminded me that if I was going to be broken up, what better space to do that than around these other women who could hold and witness me in that moment? That last bit of me shattered in that room that morning. I felt so raw and vulnerable when I woke up and was shown such compassion and grace again – this time from my dear friend Jen. It gave me the courage to fall apart in front of everyone else later that week. Each time I felt that old fear creeping back in, one of the women in our group would beautifully reflect back to me what an illusion that fear was. On our last night, as we showed up dressed and embodied as our future selves, I was surprised by how easy it was for me. There she was all along right under the surface waiting to be set free. It felt incredible to be witnessed, loved and celebrated in this version of myself making it the last piece of the puzzle to fall into place.

I had about 2 weeks of integration before I went back to Lola for my last weekend in our container. I didn’t know what to expect and was having mixed emotions. The Sacred Owl and that land will forever be a home to me now. I was sad it was over, worried I didn’t get the time I needed because of all of the shadow work, afraid I may have let her down. What I got was a weekend of embodiment in this new version of me allowing all those old limiting beliefs to finally melt away. I found myself saying thank you every chance I got – to others, to her, myself and spirit. That final Saturday, that last bit of mold was ripped out. Breathwork is extremely powerful; I found myself in the middle of my own tornado realizing, Taryn, it’s only as real as you make it. THERE IS NO SPOON. As that tornado continued to rage around me, I began to laugh. I laughed at the absurdity of it all, how I continuously put myself in a box and then complain I’m trapped. I fully surrendered and with the new space I made, the future version of myself dropped in and really grounded herself into the now. I saw Kambo appear in front of me. For 4 months it had stayed with me, continuing to bring more to the surface asking “Are you done yet? Are you ready to let go? I’m going nowhere until this journey is complete.” I saw the frog nod its head as its job was finally complete. With a sigh, it faded away, purging complete.

As I sat with Lola that last day, I felt truly complete. This is exactly what our time together was supposed to be: an insane roller coaster ride where I may have thrown up a couple of times yet was so exhilarating and freeing that I would never regret the ride. If you asked me if I would do this again, my answer would be an immediate yes. I’ll continue to do this work again, and again and again to rebuild myself and my line. Because I AM. I am the new Matriarch; the medicine woman who can hold space for those in their time of need; the traveling gypsy who wants to bring her medicine to places she’s never been before; the oracle who will read your tarot cards and see straight into your soul.

If I’ve learned anything from this mentorship, it’s that you will die a million times in this lifetime. It’s nothing to fear because each time you will bring with you that old version you burned to ash; for she is the one who made it possible to get where you are right now in this moment. She is the foundation that you continue to build upon. That’s real healing. It’s not by pushing away or getting rid of something that feels dark, no, it’s by expanding your heart’s capacity for what you’re able to hold. If you’re willing, you’ll find your heart has no limit on its capacity, and that is the definition of unconditional love.

Thank you, Lola, for holding the space. For walking your talk, for embodying the medicine woman archetype and for being you. I SEE YOU. This experience was life changing and it only could have happened with you guiding me through it. I’m so thankful to have you as a part of my soul family.

Always love,

T