I have something I want to get off my chest: I am a recovering people pleaser.

I used to have to be the one to want to swoop in and fix the problem. Why? Because if I do that, then I am somehow worthy of praise and love and my existence matters. Ew, gross. But it used to be true.

Sigh.

My healing journey has taken me through a tour of why that version of me came into existence. I’ve spent many hours over the last few years dismantling false narratives in my brain.  Knowing what I do now, I can see one of the major core events that helped me create this avatar: At a young age I was betrayed by my first best friend. We’re talking like 10 years old, fam. We literally went from being inseparable to hating each other over the span of one night during summer vacation. Of course, there’s a story there. Can we all agree there are three sides to every story? There’s your version, their version, and then the actual story which is usually a mix of both. Well, in my version, I was blindsided by her. Her actions and the events that followed emotionally destroyed me. It created this untrue & unfair narrative that followed and alienated me for a long time. I had no idea how to cope with something of that magnitude at that age, so my trigger response was to build this impenetrable armor around my authentic self. Instead, I would project this pseudo-version of what I thought people would want to see so that I would never be hurt like that again. If people find me useful, they’ll like me and want to keep me. If they want to keep me, that means I’m worthy of their love.

Once this kicked off, I would spend the next 6-7 years trying to reinvent myself without letting anyone get too close. I would get brave and show bits and pieces of myself on the rare occasion, but those years are where I had begun to try on all these different masks. I would switch from one to another waiting to see which would be the right fit. Empathetic friend? Check. Party girl? Check. Understanding girlfriend? Check. Being a people pleaser as a teenager is a dangerous slope, right?  Especially when it comes to friendships, relationships and in my case, boys. Check off another unfair & untrue narrative that followed me for a long time too. Insert eyeroll. Looking back, my teenage years had all been a trial-and-error period. As time went on, I started to pay attention and learn which masks were needed and when. Enter the real mental fuckery. Now I’m in my early 20’s, playing house and pretending to be a grown up but I have no idea who the hell I really am or what I really want anymore. Throw in another series of major life events – My mother died when I was 21; my grandmother a handful of years later. Both women were major influences in my life and I had lost them both. From there, I lost myself in those I chose to be around focusing on their wants, worries, hopes and dreams instead of my own. Looking for family. Looking to belong somewhere. It’s wild when I think about it now. I gave so much of my power away at such a young age and then continued to do so throughout a good chunk of my life. All because I had placed my worth in the hands of someone else when I am what I needed all along. There’s no judgment here either. That version of me did exactly what she felt she needed to survive and feel loved.  She was misguided, traumatized, and wounded for a long time.

Wearing masks became exhausting though.  Jim Carrey said it best, Depression is your body saying, ‘I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world.’  Eventually, I got tired of my avatars too. I spent all this time investing in whether or not other people liked me, but did I like me? Was I living the life I wanted to live or was I living the life I thought I should be living? My spiritual awakening had me thinking for the first time about myself. The authentic me. What do I want? What are my passions? What am I so scared of? Why can’t I go get what I want? It’s been incredibly scary and empowering at the same time. I feel like these last few years have been shedding layers of avatars I built. I’ve even named some of them – My Ego, My Inner Child, My Corporate Side, The Perfectionist. There’s more, but you get the point. This spiritual journey has been therapeutic in helping me put them to the side. It’s felt like a beautiful free fall – FREEDOM!

If I could go back, I would give that little girl the love she needed. Encourage her to be herself and walk with her head high. I’d tell her not to dim her light just because a few people thought she shined too bright. But the past is gone, and the future isn’t here yet. All I have is this present moment. I tell myself those things now. I breathe those mantras into my daughter and son. And I’m telling you: BE YOURSELF. Just be you. You are beautiful just the way you are in my Christina Aguilera voice. The world needs your weird. It needs your voice, your light. It’s something so individual only YOU can give it. I invite you to lay your masks down and let it all hang out. After all, your tribe can’t find you if you hide, right?

Always love,

T